Blog 12
He wants it all
When I had to leave teaching, it broke my heart. I was so
attached to those children...still am. I thought I would be out but a little
while, but here I am more than 5 months later- still home.
Then, to make it worse, I had to step down as Adventurer
Director. I had been doing this for 17 years. My life was
centered around teaching and the church, and that wasn't necessarily a bad
thing. The problem was that my life wasn't centered around Christ, and I didn't
even realize it. For 16 years, I had
taught Cradle Roll- (infants- 4 years) at church. I worked with the Youth
Department. Every year when school ended for summer I would start the laborious
task of preparing for VBS late summer. My children barely had a summer with me
as I was so busy painting, ordering materials, creating schedules, finding
volunteers and assigning tasks, walking the community handing out flyers with
my children, nieces, nephew, and another family. Being the perfectionist that I
am (was, as God has been working on breaking down those strongholds), I didn't
even realize how I was neglecting my own family while I was so busy with the
church. Yes they were always with me, but what they really needed was to have
the attention of their mother more often on a one-to-one basis.
Anything that takes time away from God is an idol. These
things had become my idols. While it is necessary to get involved with the
church, we must always recognize our first duties. "Seek ye first the
kingdom of God, and His righteousness. And all these things will be added unto
you." Matthew 6:33. We must have a close relationship with God first. As
the years went on, I found myself less and less connected. I was missing out on
family events because I was so involved in Adventurer events, preparing
sets for upcoming events, or some other "pressing event." After years
of doing this you can't help but get terribly burnt out. Furthermore, I had so disconnected
from God because of lack of a prayer and study life, and the more I
disconnected, the harder I found it to come to God. Why do we do that, when it
is these moments when we need to draw closer to Him for help? That's when the
enemy comes in as he always does, and points his snarly fingers up your face to
tell you that you're not good enough...just look at what you're doing! ...That God can't forgive you. And
you're so stupid you believe it. Then you fall further and further away, until
you find yourself doing things you never would have found yourself doing
before.
I make this open confession because I know there are so many
people in this boat. I've had dear friends who have lost their families because
they neglected the most important duties to God, and to their families. I'd like
to openly apologize to my children, my husband and extended family, for the
times I missed out on those special times. God has opened my eyes, and I plan
to not let any more moments slip pass me.
Thank God my children are still in the church, but many are
not so fortunate. Their children have left, but do not despair as God is in the
business of restoration. He wants to redeem the past. Will you let Him do so?
While sitting on my patio enjoying the blue skies, fluffy
white clouds floating by, feeling the wind on my face, soaking up the sunshine,
and enjoying the greenery, it suddenly hit me that this is my wilderness
moment. God had to take me away from it all to get my attention to show me what
is most important in life. He has slowed me down, and He speaks to me in those still moments through
nature, through His Word, and the many readings I've gone through. Would I have
connected otherwise? Probably not. So I thank God for this time of refreshing
and restoration.
Although God has touched many areas of my life, He has shown
me that there are still areas in my life He still needs to work on. This is an ongoing process. As I search
my heart, I realize there have been missed opportunities to be a witness for
Him, and that breaks my heart as He has done so much for me. So each day I pray
for God to order my day, to show me His plans for me for that day so that I may
walk in it. The more we become in tune with Him, the more we begin to
understand what He wants us to do. His Holy Spirit will lead and guide us to
show us where to go, what to say, do, how we eat, how we think, even how we
dress as all things should bring glory and honor to His name.
I thank God for His great love for me, and for us. These
moments in solitude have been a blessing.
He has been searching my heart and perfecting my character
day by day to more reflect Him. At times
when I see my true state, I hang my head in shame, but God raises my head and
says "My grace is sufficient for you" and He moves me along. What a God! I surrender my life so He can
transform my entire life. Will you do the same? Let go of your idols, give Him
your everything, and trust Him with your all. He will not let you down if you
give Him your all.
My Prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of you Son. Thank you for searching our hearts and transforming us to be more like you. Lord, we surrender ourselves to You alone, so that you can do a good work in us. You want it all and so we give you our all. In Jesus' Name we pray. Amen
He Wants It All
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