He Wants It All

Blog 12

He wants it all

When I had to leave teaching, it broke my heart. I was so attached to those children...still am. I thought I would be out but a little while, but here I am more than 5 months later- still home.

Then, to make it worse, I had to step down as Adventurer Director. I had been doing this for 17 years. My life was centered around teaching and the church, and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. The problem was that my life wasn't centered around Christ, and I didn't even realize it.  For 16 years, I had taught Cradle Roll- (infants- 4 years) at church. I worked with the Youth Department. Every year when school ended for summer I would start the laborious task of preparing for VBS late summer. My children barely had a summer with me as I was so busy painting, ordering materials, creating schedules, finding volunteers and assigning tasks, walking the community handing out flyers with my children, nieces, nephew, and another family. Being the perfectionist that I am (was, as God has been working on breaking down those strongholds), I didn't even realize how I was neglecting my own family while I was so busy with the church. Yes they were always with me, but what they really needed was to have the attention of their mother more often on a one-to-one basis.

Anything that takes time away from God is an idol. These things had become my idols. While it is necessary to get involved with the church, we must always recognize our first duties. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness. And all these things will be added unto you." Matthew 6:33. We must have a close relationship with God first. As the years went on, I found myself less and less connected. I was missing out on family events because I was so involved in Adventurer events, preparing sets for upcoming events, or some other "pressing event." After years of doing this you can't help but get terribly burnt out. Furthermore, I had so disconnected from God because of lack of a prayer and study life, and the more I disconnected, the harder I found it to come to God. Why do we do that, when it is these moments when we need to draw closer to Him for help? That's when the enemy comes in as he always does, and points his snarly fingers up your face to tell you that you're not good enough...just look at what you're doing! ...That God can't forgive you.  And you're so stupid you believe it. Then you fall further and further away, until you find yourself doing things you never would have found yourself doing before.

I make this open confession because I know there are so many people in this boat. I've had dear friends who have lost their families because they neglected the most important duties to God, and to their families. I'd like to openly apologize to my children, my husband and extended family, for the times I missed out on those special times. God has opened my eyes, and I plan to not let any more moments slip pass me.

Thank God my children are still in the church, but many are not so fortunate. Their children have left, but do not despair as God is in the business of restoration. He wants to redeem the past. Will you let Him do so?

While sitting on my patio enjoying the blue skies, fluffy white clouds floating by, feeling the wind on my face, soaking up the sunshine, and enjoying the greenery, it suddenly hit me that this is my wilderness moment. God had to take me away from it all to get my attention to show me what is most important in life. He has slowed me down, and He speaks to me in those still moments through nature, through His Word, and the many readings I've gone through. Would I have connected otherwise? Probably not. So I thank God for this time of refreshing and restoration.

Although God has touched many areas of my life, He has shown me that there are still areas in my life He still needs to work on. This is an ongoing process. As I search my heart, I realize there have been missed opportunities to be a witness for Him, and that breaks my heart as He has done so much for me. So each day I pray for God to order my day, to show me His plans for me for that day so that I may walk in it. The more we become in tune with Him, the more we begin to understand what He wants us to do. His Holy Spirit will lead and guide us to show us where to go, what to say, do, how we eat, how we think, even how we dress as all things should bring glory and honor to His name.

I thank God for His great love for me, and for us. These moments in solitude have been a blessing.

He has been searching my heart and perfecting my character day by day to more reflect Him. At times when I see my true state, I hang my head in shame, but God raises my head and says "My grace is sufficient for you" and He moves me along. What a God! I surrender my life so He can transform my entire life. Will you do the same? Let go of your idols, give Him your everything, and trust Him with your all. He will not let you down if you give Him your all.

My Prayer: 

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of you Son. Thank you for searching our hearts and transforming us to be more like you. Lord, we surrender ourselves to You alone, so that you can do a good work in us. You want it all and so we give you our all. In Jesus' Name we pray. Amen

He Wants It All